This needs an introduction or explanation but i don’t have that right now. All i can say is that these are the things i lost when i lost my surrender…
Compliance: The first thing i felt myself doing was putting up walls. i fought every part of this STUPID exercise. i don’t even cuss, but this is cuss worthy (stupid is as strong as i can come up with but still it is not my typical vocabulary). i begged and pleaded not to have to do this. i refuse to let go and see it for whatever the intended purpose is. i feel frustrated and hurt and i don’t understand. And i don’t want to understand. i disagree with your logic and i wish i could explain mine to you, but we just don’t see it the same way.
Structure: Rituals bring such a sense of structure and yet i was not supposed to follow any of the ones that were set over the last two years. It created a sense of loss, because there really was loss. i had habits that i would do automatically but now i had to stop myself… i couldn’t do them. i love rules, but they were gone and i tried desperately to find rules for this new period of “no rules”. i asked questions to try to clear up the perimeters of this no rules period. i need rules. i like rules. i want rules. and i also want consequences too.
Stability: Everything felt flipped upside down. i was “supposed” find happiness and doing well but i was living without the things that were important to me. The things i a sought and the things i feel i need. Nothing makes sense and things feel uncertain.
Coping Mechanisms: I didn’t have adequate coping mechanisms and surrender taught me some really great tools for dealing with stressful situations. i learned to properly meditate, but kneeling is so much more than meditation. i can let the stress and craziness of the world go and exist in the moment but process my thoughts too. i find obedience a great coping tool too. Just simply carrying out an act that will give someone else pleasure and possibly stretch me or make me focus. i found it difficult not to go back to my old poor coping skills because my new ones were now gone.
Connection: As i fight the walls that keep everyone out, i realize how much distance there is between two people. How much do people know each other. They have a piece of the other person and a reflection of what they project but is that the true person? How much can the connection endure? Without communication or rituals, do we even live on the same planet? i’ve always thought that connection takes communication. We think that communication can’t be one sided but maybe it is. Communication and rituals aren’t everything but they do go a long way.
Comfort: Surrender is comforting. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. i try to feel the fuzziness as much as i can and as often as i can. The ease is gone and i have to work harder. The tranquility goes away and the loudness of the world becomes a burden. Feeling small and getting lost in surrender gives me a sense of comfort that i can’t compare to anything else.
Intensity: Being a slave is intense. It is a lot of mental stimulation and requires a lot of focus. Losing that makes the world flat. i have no direction for my focus and nothing is as sharp. For me things aren’t boring, all i can say is that it lacks depth.
Purpose: i know my identity didn’t change but my purpose did. i thought the way this works is that my purpose was for you, to please you. i work for you, i eat for you, i live for you. Without surrender i still do these things but the meaning isn’t there. It feels odd to do normal things because i’m not sure if i am doing them for you or not. i assume part of the point is to learn to do them for me, and i can do them for me, but it just isn’t the same thing as embracing them.
Expressing Myself: i am at my best, i light up, i feel like my true self when i surrender. When i kneel, when i obey, when i let go, when i do these things. i found myself through surrender. It is part of me. Kneeling has been so wonderful because it gives me that chance to express my surrender to feel myself. Kneeling is pointless once the purpose is gone. It looses the sense of self-expression and falls flat. i spent my whole life feeling like i was pretending but i learned what i was and how to show it. how to express it. i love my collar because it adds to the experience of feeling my place. Taking the self-expression does make me feel hallow and bottled up.
i can survive without surrender. i can go about my life but the world is flat and everything feels empty because all of the things i love so much are gone. i don’t rejoice in not having it just as i don’t find clarity. i am sure i can go through the motions and it is possible to be happy but it leaves me less than complete. This isn’t me. This exercise is asking me to not be or act myself and to find happiness in doing so. Surrendering isn’t my whole identity, but it is part of me. it makes my life so much richer and through it i feel fulfilled.