i don’t have a partner, i have a Master

For a week or two, i had a song lyric stuck in my head, “Sometimes i feel like i don’t have a partner” from the Red Hot Chile Peppers.  Then one day as i was singing it, i realized how true the statement is for me.  i don’t have a partner.  For me the word partner implies equality on a certain level.  i don’t have a partner.  i have a Master. There will never be equality.  i will never be his girlfriend, wife, or partner. For the rest of my life i will belong.  i will have a purpose and a direction.

i have a certain place in the world.  No matter what life throws at me, i can rest peacefully with that certainty.   It won’t be easy, life never is, however, there is something significant in the fact that i have something to fall back on.  When i ask for advice, i have no choice but to listen.   Master often lets me make choices and figure out if i should follow.  There is a certain element to me that wants to follow because i would be doing what he wants.  Also, why ask for advice and then be unwilling to listen or try… but you know sometimes we all get stubborn… right? i mean we all do, okay well all i can say is sometimes i get stubborn.  However, Master always holds the option to take the choice away and make it an instruction.  i suppose he would still say there is a choice because i could obey or draw punishment, but who are we kidding? at the point it’s pretty certain i will be obeying.

This is what its like for me to not have a partner.  This inequality gives me a sense of comfort.  i wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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Going for a ride

tense.

distracted.

i should be able to close my eyes and hear Master’s voice or at least feel him but that isn’t the case right now.  i feel consumed by the stressors of the real world, yet i wish i was fully immersed in the world Master has created for me to dwell in.  i know he is on the way but i can’t seem to settle myself.  i stop myself and try to kneel.  i feel every second tick by until i feel Master’s approach.  i feel his touch and the tension starts to fall away.  As we interact, i still cant seem to shake the “real world”.  i feel compliant and i even bend a little but the distance is still evident.  As instructed, i spread my legs a little more so that my leash can be attached to the ring in my labia and i start to smile, because i think i have an idea of what is in store for me.  Master runs the leash up my body and through my collar, giving it a little tug.  Master leads me out into the world and instruct me to climb into the back of the car.  He uses zip ties to secure my ankles together and attach them to the vehicle, then he repeats the same process with my wrists.  Lastly, my collar is attached, limiting my movement even more.  Master blindfolds me, slides the screen into place and closes me in.  As i lay there, i have no choice but to be still and it is always my personal challenge to be as quiet as possible. As Master steers the car down the road, the world slowly starts to fall away.  i don’t wonder how long we will be out or where we are going, i let all the thoughts slip out and i just feel the moment.  Soon enough i feel the car backing up and i know Master is parking in a parking lot.  He gets out of the car and i hear the doors lock.  i know i am completely helpless.  i have no means to escape, i must wait for him to return.  In those moments, while he is in the store shopping, i finally fall into place.  i am aware of people walking by, i can hear their chatter as well as footsteps, i can even hear the doors of nearby vehicles open and close. All of this however, is just background noise.  i find myself slipping into a state between awake and dreaming.  My body is completely relaxed and at ease.  My mind and soul slip easily into Master’s world. i have no sense of time as i lay secured in darkness, and i love that. Soon enough though, i can feel Master approaching the car.  i almost always feel him before the doors unlock and open.  i hear him load his purchases into the car and i wonder if he will stop and pet me, instead he closes the door and locks the car again.  i soak in the helplessness and my limited movement.  i think about and feel the zip ties holding me in place.  i wait, reveling in being exactly where Master wants me.  After Master gets back to the car, i sometimes whisper thank you several times, not knowing if he can hear me or not.  The music goes on and we make our way back.  When the back opens, Master cuts the zip ties (checking to make sure everything is okay) and removes my blindfold.  i feel almost as if he is waking me up, but he does not pull me out of his world.  It takes me a moment to orient myself and adjust to the light of the day, then Master tugs my leash, leading me back inside.  Stripped of the “real world” and immersed in Master’s world, i am filled with calm peace.

i am focused.

i belong.

Tattoo(s)

In the beginning i never wanted a tattoo. In fact i used to have a friend that was a tattoo artist and would offer to do anything i wanted for free… i just never had any desire to get one. i don’t really like the idea of any type of markings, not even piercings for myself. i admire them both when i see them on other people but they just never seemed to be my cup of tea.  
When Master first suggested the tattoo and the piercing, i thought there was no way in heck i would ever do either one. i don’t generally like how tattoos look when they get old and in time i wouldn’t want to have something on my body that had a worn look to it. Another thing is that i very much enjoy having a soft look and having a sense of innocence. i don’t like the idea of a tattoo taking away from that. 
All of that said, when i wrote on myself for the first time, i loved the writing. In the beginning or the very first time at least, i was only writing around my nipples and i liked the way it made me seem/feel less like a person and more like property. i hadn’t often looked at my body with pride before that, but i couldn’t stop smiling after i looked in the mirror.  
i liked the idea of writing becoming a part of my ritual and a part of my body, but i still didn’t like the idea of permanent ink. The only thing that i can say won me over when it comes to that is thinking about an actual tattoo is relating it to taking the next step. A step of commitment but also a step of surrendering more. When it came to getting my labia pierced, Master told me that this experience would be like opening a door and i really needed to take that next step. That really resonated with me and when i think about the tattoo i think it will similarly be a step deeper. i feel like i really want and need to go through that next door way and i really want to surrender more. 

The tattoo is a big signal, even to myself, that i am not a person that gets to make decisions and do what i want. My body belongs to my Master and he can mark it how he chooses.  But i learn to desire the things my Master gives me.  i am property, i am a slave and i am subject to Master’s wishes.  

  

i exist for you

As i kneel before you, the power is almost tangible. My head bows and my shoulders release their tension as i begin to glow. Please tighten your grip…pull my leash… Let me feel my bonds… let me grow even smaller. My happiness and tranquility are beyond words. i float and simply exist for you. i give you all of me. Take my body, my spirit, take my mind, take my soul. Feel the completeness of your power. Find strength in all i give but don’t stop with power and strength. Find my tranquility, my peace, my happiness, and pleasure as i merge into you. Take from me everything you need. Everything you want. My life is yours. i give you everything but as you take, you give me so much more than i could have ever thought possible. Thank you for owning me. Thank you for holding me close and for allowing me to exist for you.  

Going beyond my boundaries

Thank you for challenging me to go beyond my boundaries.  

You’ve taken me beyond what I thought was possible and taken me into a new realm.  You have opened my world and freed me from myself. 

Now i can see that i had such a narrow view.  It set the scope of what i would do in all aspects of my life and in many ways this was hindering me.  It also set limits on the amount in which i could possibly be owned, i was holding so much back. Most of them seem so silly now… But at the time, i clung to them. They were important to me my whole life, how could i survive without them. They were so comfortable and i depended on them. 

On my own, i couldn’t see past them.  Even as you instructed me to let go, i had trouble seeing beyond the walls. i thought i needed them to protect myself, but more importantly, to direct my life.  By breaking down these barriers, you have given me the space to grow to be a stronger and better person.  You have torn out the restrictions and provided me with possibilities.  

When you tore down my limit of looking in the mirror, you gave me the gift of the girl in the mirror.  When you taught me to sleep naked, you taught me to feel safe at night.  When you challenged me to stand up for myself, you taught me that i am worthy, capable, and strong.  When you taught to walk naked in the street, you taught me about self esteem and confidence.  When you teach me to talk to others, you teach me to be open with myself and secure in who i am.  

You have challenged me to face my fears, to deal with my past, to turn my weakness into strengths.   You have eliminated the blockades i was using to hold myself back. You have seen through me and repaired the cracks.  i have healed.  i have grown.  i have become whole.  i have become much stronger.  i have found happiness. i have become yours.  

The girl in the mirror

When i look in the mirror, sometimes it is difficult to let the awkward unpleasant image i see in myself fade into the beauty that of the girl who is before me. It may take a minute or two for my eyes to clear so that i can find her but eventually they do. Each time it strikes me, her presence is so strong. i see a slave. She has so much potential. She is full of so much. she is wonderful to look at. She is everything i want to be.

The girl in the mirror isn’t trying to be something. she already is something. She doesn’t hold herself back and she knows how to stand up for herself. she doesn’t question things. she isn’t struggling or fighting internal battles. she knows why she exists and what she lives for. She is property and her value shows.

i see all that she is capable of and i see the results of her hard work. She is light and free because she doesn’t let worries and stress weigh on her. Confidence radiates from her she stands sure of her place. Her shoulders are back but they are not tense. Her head is always up because she is unafraid. she is calm and relaxed. Soft and gentle. Strong and sure.

She doesn’t need clothes, even looks better without them, because she is comfortable in her skin. she is gains strength in the certainty of who she is. There is no reason to cover that up. She doesn’t let her flaws hold her back, she moves past them.

Letting no obstacle stand in the way, she stands ready to obey. Her happiness comes from pleasing her master as she places his desires above all else. She gives herself fully; mind, body, and soul, because this is who she is. She is takes comfort in the fact that she is completely owned. The girl in the mirror, she is a slave.

After countless days of looking, i no longer don’t dread visiting her. Instead, i make time to gaze at her and each day i try to see a little more of her beauty. she is leaps and bounds ahead of me, but she shows me my goal.  As i admire her, i know that she is everything i am becoming.

When i lost surrender

This needs an introduction or explanation but i don’t have that right now.  All i can say is that these are the things i lost when i lost my surrender…

Compliance:  The first thing i felt myself doing was putting up walls.  i fought every part of this STUPID exercise.  i don’t even cuss, but this is cuss worthy (stupid is as strong as i can come up with but still it is not my typical vocabulary).  i begged and pleaded not to have to do this. i refuse to let go and see it for whatever the intended purpose is.  i feel frustrated and hurt and i don’t understand.  And i don’t want to understand.  i disagree with your logic and i wish i could explain mine to you, but we just don’t see it the same way.

Structure: Rituals bring such a sense of structure and yet i was not supposed to follow any of the ones that were set over the last two years.  It created a sense of loss, because there really was loss.  i had habits that i would do automatically but now i had to stop myself… i couldn’t do them.   i love rules, but they were gone and i tried desperately to find rules for this new period of “no rules”.  i asked questions to try to clear up the perimeters of this no rules period.  i need rules. i like rules.  i want rules.  and i also want consequences too.

Stability:  Everything felt flipped upside down.  i was “supposed” find happiness and doing well but i was living without the things that were important to me.  The things i a sought and the things i feel i need.  Nothing makes sense and things feel uncertain.

Coping Mechanisms: I didn’t have adequate coping mechanisms and surrender taught me some really great tools for dealing with stressful situations.  i learned to properly meditate, but kneeling is so much more than meditation.  i can let the stress and craziness of the world go and exist in the moment but process my thoughts too.  i find obedience a great coping tool too.  Just simply carrying out an act that will give someone else pleasure and possibly stretch me or make me focus.  i found it difficult not to go back to my old poor coping skills because my new ones were now gone.

Connection:  As i fight the walls that keep everyone out, i realize how much distance there is between two people.  How much do people know each other.  They have a piece of the other person and a reflection of what they project but is that the true person?  How much can the connection endure?  Without communication or rituals, do we even live on the same planet? i’ve always thought that connection takes communication.  We think that communication can’t be one sided but maybe it is.  Communication and rituals aren’t everything but they do go a long way.

Comfort: Surrender is comforting.  it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  i try to feel the fuzziness as much as i can and as often as i can.  The ease is gone and i have to work harder.  The tranquility goes away and the loudness of the world becomes a burden.   Feeling small and getting lost in surrender gives me a sense of comfort that i can’t compare to anything else. 

Intensity: Being a slave is intense.  It is a lot of mental stimulation and requires a lot of focus.  Losing that makes the world flat.  i have no direction for my focus and nothing is as sharp.  For me things aren’t boring, all i can say is that it lacks depth.   

Purpose: i know my identity didn’t change but my purpose did.  i thought the way this works is that my purpose was for you, to please you.  i work for you, i eat for you, i live for you.  Without surrender i still do these things but the meaning isn’t there.  It feels odd to do normal things because i’m not sure if i am doing them for you or not.  i assume part of the point is to learn to do them for me, and i can do them for me, but it just isn’t the same thing as embracing them.

Expressing Myself:  i am at my best, i light up, i feel like my true self when i surrender.  When i kneel, when i obey, when i let go, when i do these things.  i found myself through surrender.  It is part of me.  Kneeling has been so wonderful because it gives me that chance to express my surrender to feel myself. Kneeling is pointless once the purpose is gone.  It looses the sense of self-expression and falls flat.  i spent my whole life feeling like i was pretending but i learned what i was and how to show it.  how to express it.  i love my collar because it adds to the experience of feeling my place.  Taking the self-expression does make me feel hallow and bottled up.

i can survive without surrender.  i can go about my life but the world is flat and everything feels empty because all of the things i love so much are gone.  i don’t rejoice in not having it just as i don’t find clarity.   i am sure i can go through the motions and it is possible to be happy but it leaves me less than complete.  This isn’t me.  This exercise is asking me to not be or act myself and to find happiness in doing so.    Surrendering isn’t my whole identity, but it is part of me.  it makes my life so much richer and through it i feel fulfilled.